If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
