im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
