I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
