he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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