And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
PANTIES FOUND
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
