def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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