I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
