considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
