i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
