Betty ford says i'm here all night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
