You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
