Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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