You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
