i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
