I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
