how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
