The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
