hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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