Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
