I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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