wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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