So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
