Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
