i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
