Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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