Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
