You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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