Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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