I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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