I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
