My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
