textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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