...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
