I wish life had little blips of pornography
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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