i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
