oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
