Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
