I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
