watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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