we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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