I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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