I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
