I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
