So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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