and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
