apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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