Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
