Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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