Four minutes until I can fart!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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