The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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