I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
